Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Around the Table Vol. 1

Welcome to Around the Table, a roundtable discussion of current events.

I would first like to welcome Mr. George Washington to our President's Day forum, who was generous enough to take time from eternal splendor and bliss to join us here today. Mr. Washington was the first president of our union and served from 1789 - 1787. He was enormously popular with the American electorate then, and his populartiy has endured. Mr. Washington, it is my humble honor to welcome you here this afternoon. I very much appreciate your choosing my blog to make your re-entry to human form in order to express your ideas, etc. Thank you, sir.

"Thank you, it's my pleasure to be here, Will."

Next we welcome another former leader of this great nation. A man who preserved the union through its darkest hour. A man who secured freedom for those bound in the vicious chains of enslavemnet. An eternal beam of spotless sunshine to all our minds. May I present to you, Abraham Lincoln. (applause).

"I am not able to grow a mustache, that was never my intention."

Finally, we welcome a man whose presidential ambitions remain as high-pitched as his ill-timed squawk/wheeze fit (We're going to Iowa! ARRRRRRrrrrrrr I'm a pit bull, but weeeeehaaaaaa, maybe more like a gopher,YEEEAAAAHHHHH!) that more than likely cost him nomination as the Democratic presidential hopeful in 2004. The head of the Democratic National Committee, Mr. Howard Dean. Welcome.

"Let me tell you what's wrong with Mr.'s so-called 'Lincoln' and 'Washington', George W. Bush is a liar...."

Hold your horses Howard, I'll introduce the topics and give you all a chance to respond in turn. Also, you didn't need to bring your own podium, but thanks anyway, I guess. And why are you already pointing and yelling at Abraham Lincoln?

"Abraham Lincoln is lying about his mustache...he just thinks that not having a mustache makes him look taller so he can intimidate me...I'm pointing up because I'm so short, I'm a pit bull...no a gopher....Lincoln you don't scare me....wuuuuaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!"

Ok Howard, until you settle down I will not call on you.

"Who is this guy? He's not the president is he?

"Bring it on Howie, what do you have some sort of complex or something? Back in my day we used to have things called duels you know..."

"Did someone say 'duel'?"

Sheesh! Let's not get overzealous here people!

We will now move to question-answer time. Starting with you George, what do you think about the fact that Islamo-fascists around the world are burning European and American embassies and engaging in murderous riots in attempt to dissuade the European press from printing cartoons of the prophet Muhammed?

"If the freedom of speech is taken away then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."

You know, George, that is very insightful and timely, considering most of the American media has let these thugs intimidate them and, to rehash you point, taken away their freedom of speech. I guess we can only hope that we have strong enough leadership in this country so that we may avert the "slaughter" you mentioned.

"Oh no! My polling data shows that if I am on a show that even mentions Muhammed my approval ratings in the Muslim world will drop heavily! I think I'm going to be sick..."

And if Iran gets nuclear weapons, George?

"If we desire to avoid insult, we must be able to repel it; if we desire to secure peace, one of the most powerful instruments of our rising prosperity, it must be known, that we are at all times ready for War."

Aha. Well put. Moving along. Abe, what do you think of the situation in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina?

"You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves."

Well put, sir. Do you ever listen to Neal Boortz?

"You see!!! SEE!!! I Told You!!!! He's a racist!!!! RACIST!!!! I knew I'd be able to get him on something....and it's patently obvious Abraham Lincoln is a bigot and a racist!!! Ha!!!"

"I ended slavery."


"How do you like those apples Howie?"

"Boy, you two suck at debating. I kicked you butts. Score one for the ass-man....go libs 2006!!! (Did you hear how I pegged that Lincoln guy on being a racist? It was genius...I mean, I sometimes even impress myself...."

Well, that will do it for our first installment of Around the Table. Thanks to our guests, be well, good night.


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