Friday, March 03, 2006

A Mathematical Formulation of the Oscars

"The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing."
-Oscar Wilde, " The Soul of Man Under Socialism

"Naw dude, Independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding."
-Eric Cartman, South Park

John Stewart, comedian, is hosting the Oscars this weekend. He's really an obvious choice, as he is, like I said before, the white male Oprah. To the liberal elite, Stewart is the hip face of the new generation of cynical, pseudo-intellectual pessimists that they hope will grasp the gay cowboy reigns once the current big wigs ride off in to the Brokeback sunset. He is the serious face (remember, John Stewart, comedian) that informs the liberal activists droids about what's really going on in the world. As much as he jokes and dons that wryly smug smile of his, you have to believe that all these liberals think he is a very smart and well informed pundit of sorts. As such, he was the obvious emotional choice to emcee such a politically charged, liberal-valued event. It makes sense on paper too. Yahoo news notes:

"Stewart and his show have become disproportionately influential in U.S. politics and culture. Young adults, the demographic Oscar organizers are most eager to attract in greater numbers, make up the core of his fans."

Even though his show comes on "after a bunch of puppets making prank phone calls," as he self-deprecatorially noted, this is where liberals go for the real story...the fake news. He is the man who will bring in the ratings, at least if the type of ratings you are looking for are the same type of box office returns that this year's top-nominated films brought in (i.e. not good).

So, besides all that, there is some delicious irony here. I have perceived an ever so slight clash within the elite Hollywood establishment. Some people think that Stewart's irreverence might not jive with the hallowed Oscar tradition. Taken from the same Yahoo news article cited above is this quote from "Oscar pundit" (ps - what the hell kind of a job title is that?) Tom O'Neil:

"You don't mock the importance of the event. This isn't the MTV Music Video Awards," O'Neil said. "We expect the Oscar host to be like a beloved aunt or uncle on stage playing the ringmaster to a family reunion."

First and foremost, this quote is unbelievably lame. A "beloved aunt or uncle", a "family reunion"? This just confirms my previously held notion that the Hollywood culture is rampant with intellectual incest and naive, self-congratulatory ass pats for perceiving that what they do is very important to America. However, as I said before, most of these people absolutely love John Stewart. He is their adorable lap puppy, breeding a new generation of snobs like themselves.

Second..."This isn't the MTV Music Video Awards"...oh, sorry Mr. O'Neil. I thought when I saw that gay red carpet host from E! on the Golden Globes pre-show deal grabbing Scarlett Johansen's boobs that I was watching Girls, Gone Wild! I know the Golden Globes may not be the, ahem, "Oscars", but they're pretty close. So it's not MTV, not Girls Gone Wild, not Comedy Central Daily Show, what is it? Oh right, a "family reunion". I think I've got it. So a bunch of homogenously liberal air heads get together and either 1) are congratulating themselves and bestowing accolades on one another because they don't realize that King Kong was much more commercially successful than any Oscar contender (silly Academy!) or 2) are congratulating themselves on being so much more intellectually advanced than America that a poor showing at the box office actually tranlates to success, because us common American folks are too stupid to perceive your nuanced view of life. I believe it's number 2, and I think that it's very obviously so. The Oscars are such a politicized piece of garbage this year that I shan't even watch. I think I'll rent King Kong instead.

But, back to the point:

Q:
So who is this guy (Tom O'Neil, Oscar pundit) to go insinuating that the beloved Daily Show host might not be well suited to host the event?

A:
What we have here, as I said, is a subtle rift. It is the elitist Hollywood liberal political ideology versus the elitist Hollywood mentality in general. It is their sense of self-importance that compels them to laud their annual efforts (with no eye to public sentiment, obviously, see box 0ffice returns for nominated films) playing against their sense of self-importance that compels them to talk down from their lofty perch in order to inform the American people of their cerebral liberal bullcrap views about things. It is kind of like a dog chewing on it's own tail, and I love that.




Now, I know that may have seemed a little confusing, and that's because it was. I will attempt to clear up the confusion with a mathematical equation, but pay close attention, this gets tricky:

We all know that Hollywood elites think they're special, and, to some extent, they are. Acting takes skill, and I respect that. However, they generally think that they are a little too important. This is their general mindset, that they are more important than everyone else. So that's the first premise in the equation, we'll call it General Acute Yes-we-are-more-important-than-you-ism, GAY for short.

This feeling of power and authority, combined with a public platform from which to set their ideas forth, usually leads to the second part in our equation. Being as most of the Hollywood elite believe in telling others how they should behave, blaming America for all international and domestic conflicts/problems, etc, this second leg of the equation involves the spewing forth liberal ideologies and Democratic party talking points. As such, we'll refer to this part as Peeved Radical Idiocy as Dictated by Extremists, PRIDE for short.

Interaction between these two phenomena, written scientifically as "Gay Pride", usually goes hand-in-hand. This accounts for the majority of the Hollywood elite's existence. However, courtesy of Mr. O'Neil's comments, the two have come into conflict. Now, when these two premises clash, albeit which happens only rarely, you get a unique interaction that seems befitting of this year's Oscar celebration. Since Mr. O'Neil made manifest this dubious interplay of these two, usually cohesive ideologies, we will name the resulting ceremony in his honor. His leg of the equation will be called, Naysaying O'Neil's Words, or NOW, for short.

So the equation, written in scientific shorthand, goes like this:

GAY + PRIDE = NOW

or simply

GAY PRIDE NOW

for short.

So there you have it. This year's Oscar celebration will be a practice in Gay Pride, hopefully achieved Now. This is evidenced in the top contenders for the coveted awards, namely Brokeback Mountain, Capote, TransAmerica...you get the point.

I say let them chase that tail as much as they want to. They will simply keep spinning around in circles, spiralling further and further from the position of relevance and power that they so desire.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"There is no sound present, as most students at the University of Georgia by late 5:45 friday afternoon have undoubteldy started their weekend revelry. However, there is a lone scholar, on the 4th floor of the Student Learning Center, accompanied only by the hum of isolated computers, pumping his fists in the air of exuberance, reading what he feels is the youth of America's answer to the oppressive clutch of liberal elitism. And as he ponders this nascent triumph, he recalls the words of one Marcus Tulius Cicero: Victory is by nature insolent and haughty."
Haha, Bravo WD
Couteman

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11687022/

1:41 PM  
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