Sunday, March 26, 2006

The Tiny Giant Panda...and its Implications in the Struggle for Global Domination

A Chinese artist has painted an image of a giant panda onto a single human hair. My first reaction: this guy is way cooler than Cy Twombly, the aforementioned kinder-art scribbling conisseur of idiotic bullcrap. My second reaction: was it a sense of irony, perhaps, that compelled this micro-minded Chinaman to immortalize this particular hair with a giant panda? Would not a normal-sized panda have well befitted so small a space as a single strand of human hair? And, really, how giant could a panda be if it fits on a human hair?

Chinese art is so very small...You Americans have VERY BIG ART...Ours is so small.

From the article:

The artist took 10 days to create the mini-masterpiece using a single rabbit hair as a paintbrush.

This is by far the most Chinese thing that I've ever heard of in my entire life....Master Hua disappeared into the forests and emerged with a magical panda bear that he spent ten days painting onto one of his own hairs, fallen with the dignity and purity of acestic contemplation. He recorded his esoteric meditative guide panda with a single rabbit hair, lent to him by Lapinard, majestic frolicker of forest wisdom.

Masterpiece?....eh...Sinister and Foreboding...yes

Don't you think that the photo above has the quality of those undercover photos taken of, say, Argentinan drug dealers from the bushes by some detective, or perhaps some mob deal going down captured from a distance. Don't you just feel like this panda bear is up to no good based on the grainy quality of the photograph? And doesn't he just look like he's just done something illegal?

Take Home Lesson:

This is exactly why America needs to recognize China as a force to be reckoned with in the coming years. Any culture that creates and sustains a member that would take ten days to paint an image onto one piece of hair with another piece of hair is a) somewhat insane in the Hannibal Lector-style-creepy-yet-brilliantly-astute-and-therefore-wanting-to-dominate-others mold, and b) willing to pay attention to all the details to get it done. While Americans are busy making movies about gay cowboys eating puddin', the Chinese are secretly plotting to overthrow our position of authority and influence in the world, most likely with a battle plan inscribed on a housefly's thorax with the stinger of a honey bee which took them seventeen years to complete (but it looks elegant and aesthetically harkens to their deep inner peace). Their generals all probably look something like this:


But they have over a billion of them, and, therefore, present a clear and present danger to Americans at home and abroad. Terrorists Schmerrorists...do you think Osama could do this shit? All he can do is hurl bombs from a distance, something that we are effectively (if not expediently) combatting with ground forces. With the army of the Tiny Giant Panda in Red China, we may all become Chinese before we even know it...and they won't have to bomb us in order to do it.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

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